Tag Archives: Lake Superior State University

A Spouse’s Response to Depression by Guest Blogger Chad McDonald

This year marks the 15th anniversary of my marriage to Samantha. In so many ways it seems like just yesterday that we got married. It seems like yesterday that I was pursuing her and doing my best to convince her that I loved her and that we should spend the rest of our lives together. It was an amazing process to chase her until she caught me. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I never regret proposing, which was in the most unromantic way (another story), and making the sacred covenant together before God.

With that said, I will be honest that our marriage has also included some very long years, with a lot of stress and pain at times. Living with a person who battles the type of depression that Samantha deals with can drive any relationship to the brink of destruction. Statistically, very few marriages survive when living like this. This is why I wanted to share today about how Samantha’s depression affected me and the changes that I needed to make in order to be a supportive husband.

I want you to know from the beginning that I have failed many times at everything I am going to share. I have been inconsistent, hypocritical, judgmental, uncompassionate, mean, and much more that I know was not helpful for Samantha.  I hope through my mistakes, new understandings, things I have learned, and the strength I have been able to draw from God that this can offer a bit of help to those who deal with a spouse with depression.

I love peace and harmony. I have a very phlegmatic personality that enjoys the quiet moments and runs away from the loud, activity-filled moments. My least favorite thing to deal with is conflict, and my natural tendency is to be like a turtle and hide in my shell. I love the picture-perfect idea of coming home from a long day at work, smelling the homemade roast cooking in the stove, and Samantha greeting me at the door with a kiss and an encouraging word. My kids would all be standing in the kitchen in a perfect line saying, “Hello father! We are so glad you are home!” Then they would quietly go off to do their homework before dinner starts. Samantha would bring me a cup of coffee while I relax in my recliner, catching up on the daily news before dinner. At the dinner table we would have soft-spoken conversations with the kids, enjoying all the food and sharing about how they have excelled in school that day. I’m sure you can guess that our home does not resemble that in the slightest.

Our home is loud. Two young girls and a three-year-old boy are constantly running, screaming, and arguing. Both Samantha and I work outside the home during the day.  Pressures from activities with kids, our jobs, and our ministry all build up everyday. In just the normal home, we all know that my dream world isn’t a reality. To add to the stresses of everyday life, throw Samantha’s depression into the mix.  My dreams of peace and harmony soon fly away. There has been no greater obstacle in my life than learning to deal with Samantha’s depression. I recognize that if not for my faith in Christ, and my deep love for Samantha and my kids, we would have become another statistic.

I have to admit that I never really understood depression. Sure, we all get sad or angry at times, but never did I understand that this could be a real ongoing condition. I had a view of people with depression that they were just too lazy to deal with their problems and needed to just grow up. I can’t tell you how many times over the years I told Samantha that she just needed to get over it and act like an adult. Just so you know, that strategy never did work. I did not understand the reality of depression and believed it was simple to overcome.  I believed she should just get past the drama and buck up. I didn’t believe in the medications, I didn’t see the need for counseling, and I didn’t think it was my problem. I didn’t think that I should have to sacrifice my desires to help her get through her issues. I also bought into some stupid religious myths that “Christians shouldn’t deal with depression”.  There is this view that depression is all about a lack of faith and you are not really following God if you have depression in your life. Obviously this view doesn’t come from the Bible. The Bible is filled with God’s people dealing with depression and how God led them to victory.

As time went on, I started to see that Samantha needed real help. I was still not 100% convinced that it was like a disease or an addiction, but I was getting closer.  My thoughts dramatically changed a couple years ago when everything seemed to hit rock bottom. Samantha’s depression was at its worst, our third child was born which brought added stress, there were issues at the church I pastor, financial troubles hit us, I experienced anxiety issues resulting from a mission trip, and then my father unexpectedly passed away. For the first time in my life, I had feelings of my own that I didn’t quite understand. I found myself waking up at night with anxiety attacks, my health declined, and I gained over 25 pounds. I experienced depression. I have never experienced anything like it. I was sad, anxious, and angry. Those are emotions that were very foreign to me. Finally, I got help. I saw my doctor and began taking the same meds that I was once opposed to Samantha taking. I wondered if I lacked faith. I was mad that I was in these circumstances. At times I cried, and I snapped at the kids and at my wife. All I wanted to do was run away and sleep. It was then I realized that depression is for real, and it isn’t something you can just “get over”.

I remember admitting my problems to Samantha and for the first time really listening to what she goes though. I quickly realized that all the emotions I was feeling were a mere fraction of what she had been experiencing all those years. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for her to experience this for so many years, but now I had a much better understanding. My compassion for my wife grew during that time, and I wanted to do anything I could to help her.

Today I still desire peace and harmony, but I have learned that these are not things that are to be handed to me on a silver platter. Rather, they are something that Samantha and I need to work together to accomplish. We now look at this as a team-approach to depression instead of it being her problem. Since that moment, our marriage has grown stronger, victories over depression have been seen, and we now look forward to the future that God has planned for us. It still is not perfect and I catch myself often going backward, but the steps forward now outnumber the backward ones.

In the next blog, I will share some things I have learned over the years that have helped me be a more supportive husband who is a partner with my wife to help her through depression.

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Chad McDonald is the lead pastor of Sault Wesleyan Church in Sault Ste. Marie, MI, where he has served for almost 13 years. He graduated from Lake Superior State University with a Bachelor’s degree in Political Science, and attended Indiana Wesleyan University to pursue his ministry license. Chad and Samantha live in the Sault with their 3 children, Bailey, Katelyn, and Connor, their loyal dog, Bonnie, and their orange tabby cat, Frisco. 
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Living With Real . . . Forgiveness

I’ve mentioned in a few of my earlier posts that I would share about what was “the kicker” in my final victory over depression. I want to make a few disclaimers first.

1) Depression is like alcoholism to me. You’re never really “over it”. You always have it. But there can be  a point where it no longer has a stronghold on you, and you are now calling the shots.

2) I don’t believe God punishes us, gives us diseases, or makes us sick, because we harbor unforgiveness. BUT it’s clear in His Word that there are consequences for unforgiveness. (See Luke 6:37)

My journey towards forgiving my father began about 2 years ago. Most of you probably know about my family history but I’ll share it with you briefly.

My father and mother were divorced during my second year of college, during 1994. In the years leading up to that event, my father was verbally, and sometimes physically, abusive to my sister and I; lied about seeing a Christian counselor for help with his anger; was arrested and jailed for stealing money from his employer, and he was on the local school board at the time, so it was on the front page of the newspaper; cheated on my mother with the woman he later re-married one month before Chad and I were married; and finally left our family the month before I began my first year of college at Lake Superior State University. He took our only vehicle, the credit cards, his retirement check, and left us with nothing, but the house we rented.

Thinking about what happened and looking back at that time, I am simply amazed at how God provided for us. It was that year that I first met Chad. He became my best friend over the next few years and we were married right after we graduated from Lake State in 1997. Our church family, whom Chad is now the pastor, provided us with food and money, but more importantly, unconditional love and support.

The last time I saw my Dad, before he died, was at my wedding. I did not let him walk me down the aisle. My Grandpa Patrick (my Mom’s father) did. He was the one who Chad asked for my hand in marriage. My father and I wrote a few letters back and forth, all nice and casual and fake, and sent birthday and Christmas cards, but I seriously had no desire to see the man who was supposed to be, but never really was a father to me.

Fast forward about 13 years later . . . I began to see a Christian counselor and work through the mess of depression that was plaguing me like an illness that would NOT leave my body. I believed I had forgiven my father, but also knew I still was holding onto a lot of bitterness and anger towards him. I knew because every time someone talked about him or something made me think of him, I would feel the anger and the bitterness well up in me. If this happens to you when you think of someone, it’s a pretty good sign that you are still holding onto unforgiveness.

So, finally after seeing my counselor for about 2 years, I knew it was time to deal with this issue. I had mentioned to my counselor before that I knew we would need to talk about this but he never pushed it. He let me bring it up when I was ready.

It really became a big issue when Chad’s father passed away. As I stated before in a previous blog, I became very angry with God. He had taken away the only man who was a real father to me. Well, this brought all of those emotions about my own father up to the surface. I had done my best to keep them stuffed deep down inside, so I would not be forced to face it.

Once I finally was willing to talk about it, I realized I was angry with my father for not being a kind, loving, selfless father. He thought of himself first, was a very angry person, and took it out on the rest of us. My father also never said he was sorry . . . to me, my sister, or my Mom. I did not want to let go of that anger, because I had a right to be angry with him.

I have heard it said, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It’s true. I know some of you reading this are dealing with the same thing – someone hurt you, they were wrong, you did nothing to deserve it, and they deserve to pay for it. And all of those things may be true. But who are you really hurting in the end? Not that person. Half the time they don’t think they’re wrong and they feel completely justified in what they did.

My counselor helped me see that I needed to . . . let go. Let go? Are you kidding me?! If I let go of the anger towards him then that meant what he did was OK! That’s how I saw it, but that wasn’t true at all. If I let go, then He gets away with it! Really? No, but that’s what it felt like.

God opened my eyes and helped me see that this bitterness and anger I refused to let go of was only hurting myself and my family. Remember, I have a problem with anger. Well, no wonder, when you hang on to it for so long, it has to come out somehow. The only question is not will it come out, but when.

So God, working through my counselor, finally helped me see the truth. My father was wrong and what he did was not OK. He also did not get away with anything. And finally God helped me to (gulp!) let go.

That was one of the hardest things for me to do. I did not want to. I fought it. But once I did, I felt a huge weight lift right off of me. It was amazing! My fits of anger towards my kids and Chad were almost gone! I felt like a new person, and I was enjoying who I was.

Forgiveness is a touchy subject, believe me, I know. Everyone has different reasons why they don’t want to forgive, and I know there are some awful, terrible things that humans can do to each other. I almost didn’t write about this topic because I understand the type of emotions that are behind anger, bitterness, and resentment. But I have to tell you what God did when I forgave my father. I will never forget the feeling of peace and tranquility I had that evening on my ride home. I also knew that if God forgave me for what I had done to Him and to others, then I had no right to withhold forgiveness from those who had offended me . . . no matter what the crime.

As I’m writing this, I can feel my body become tense and even feel some anger and sadness towards my father. That is OK. Forgiveness does not mean you forget. There’s no way you can forget something like that. But I no longer hold it against my Dad. I am now very sad that he was not able to be a loving, caring father to me. He was a miserable person, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I would love to go back and change the past, so we could be a “normal” family.

I know this can’t happen. But God ALWAYS provides for us, for me. He gave me a father in Chad’s Dad that I will always be grateful for. And I have learned to accept God as my Father. I’m still learning to accept God as my Father.

If God is speaking to you right now, just ask Him to help you. I know that He can. It will be one of the most difficult things you have ever done, but will give you a freedom and peace that you have never experienced before.

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Texting Buddies

My last few posts have been on the more serious, deep side, so I thought I’d write on something that was a blessing during my battle with depression.

Over the last 9 years, I have truly understood the importance of friendship. Chad and I have been blessed immensely with close friendships since our years at Lake Superior State University. We have friends from high school and college that we still keep in touch with today.We have met new friends at work and church, who we enjoy spending time with and are a great source of encouragement. We have friends from different family backgrounds, different political views, different religious beliefs, and different age groups.

Personally, I have a few close friends who know a lot about me, who I can call and ask for prayer for a particular hardship, or who I can sit down and simply enjoy a cup of coffee with. One of those friends is Carrie. Many of you may recognize her as the one who pairs up with Jennie on Facebook in order to keep Chad humble. 🙂 Carrie and I have known each other since our years at LSSU, but have developed a close friendship over the last 7 years.

Carrie is a friend like no other. We can talk about serious issues like children, motherhood, marriage, and spiritual growth, and then a half an hour later, she’ll send me a text or an email teasing me about my animosity towards Hooters Restaurant. Her husband wrote a post about her on their blog He Says, She Says, and it’s a great description of who she truly is. She does bring out the best in everyone, and has a genuine interest in people. I am not a natural people person. I am much better at making lists and completing tasks. She has definitely been an example to me of the importance of placing relationships over tasks.

As our friendship grew, Carrie has become my number one confidante. Chad has given me permission to talk with her about anything, including him. He knows the need I have for “getting it all out” and trusts Carrie’s judgement and character. Over one particular phone conversation I was telling her about an argument Chad and I had, and she asked if I wanted honesty or just a listening ear. I replied honesty and she told me I needed to apologize to him! Of course I knew she was right but did not want to admit that at all. 🙂

Carrie is a friend I will have forever. We text each other all the time, but can go days without talking and it’s not a big deal. We both understand that we have families, church responsibilities, school work, and husbands we want to spend time with. I really appreciate that about her. There’ s no pressure to spend a certain amount of time with her or talk to her every single day, even though I usually do. I can be myself and she accepts me for who I am.

When I was in the deepest depression, she would help keep things in perspective for me. I have told her feelings, emotions, and thoughts that I have told no one else, except Chad. You know that saying, “A friend is someone who knows all about you, but still loves you anyway”? That’s exactly what she is.

God has definitely blessed me with Carrie’s friendship. I pray that you have a friend like her that you can confide in, trust in, laugh with, pray with, receive encouragement from, and be honest with you. Thank you Carrie for knowing all about me but loving me anyway. And thank you to our husbands, Ryan and Chad, for making sure we both have unlimited texting plans. 😉