Winning the Battle Together

On Tuesday, I wrote an article about how Chad helped me as I was learning how to have victory over depression. I listed 3 things that he did, as my husband, to help me, and I wanted to specifically address those who have close friends, spouse, or family members with anxiety or depression. You can read that article here.

Today, I’ll be talking to those of you who are on this journey – whether you’ve just begun, would like to begin, or you can see the light at the end of the tunnel – these 4 points I will be sharing are for you. By no means are they “black and white” answers. These are the things that I did for Chad, as he was right along side of me, winning this battle together.

(I’m going to add a disclaimer here – I fail at these items frequently and already have this week.)

1) I had to lower my expectations of him.

My personality is very melancholy or High C (for those of you who know the personality lingo). That means I like things a certain way, I like schedule and routine, by nature I don’t like change, and if any of these things are out of whack, then I’m out of whack. A person with that personality tends to have high expectations of others, and honestly, they have higher expectations of themselves. As I talked with my counselor about this, he told me that when my expectations do not line up with reality, this is why I “freak out” or feel out of control. In fact, I had to talk with my 9 year old about this just this week. Things were not going her way and she is much like me, things have to be a certain way and it had better be her way. I tried to explain to her that life was not always going to go the way she wanted it, and we need to make the best of whatever happens.

I had such high expectations of my husband. I had to realize that he was not me, nor was he a woman or a mother. We just do things differently than our husbands do. And that’s not good or bad – it’s just different. If my husband was going to be alongside of me and help me, I needed to cut him some slack.

2) I shared much of my counseling sessions with him.

If Chad was going to understand what I was learning, and help me implement what I was learning, then he needed to know what my counselor and I talked about. For example, this is how Chad knew that I needed some space and time to calm down when I was becoming frustrated and overwhelmed. I helped him by telling him what my counselor suggested for me. Now, Chad didn’t ask me. He let me tell him on my own time. And if I had not trusted him, I would have never told him.

3) I said “I’m sorry”.

I suppose this one goes for both Chad and my children. Whenever I had wronged them by treating them badly, yelling at them, or being disrespectful, I would come back and apologize. And I didn’t just apologize in order to forget about what happened and make Chad not be mad at me. There was a time early in our marriage that I did that. I would say “I’m sorry” in hopes that Chad would forget about it and no longer be upset with me. When I say I’m sorry now, I don’t say it until I mean it. And that also means I will do my best to not treat Chad or the kids like that again. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect; it just means with God’s help I will do my best.

4) I was patient with Chad.

Because Chad had been living with me in this state for so long (really since we were married), it was hard for him to trust that I was really wanting to change. There have been many times when I have begun to get overwhelmed or frustrated and Chad would immediately get on the defensive, assuming that I would soon begin to tear into him for some unknown reason. Can I really blame him? I did that for so long, he was just trying to protect himself. So as I was learning, growing, and changing, I had to be patient with him, letting him learn, grow, and change too.

I hope this helps give you an idea of how spouses need to work together when dealing with depression and anxiety. This can really apply to any kind of conflict in marriage.

I have added a link to a broadcast from Focus on the Family. My friend, Carrie, shared it with me and it’s an excellent show about depression, especially among Christians. I encourage you and your spouse to listen to it.

Have a wonderful Easter weekend with your family. And remember, without the sacrifice that Jesus made for us, there is no way we could truly live with real joy.

Focus on the Family – Shining a Light on Depression

How Chad Helped Me Through This Journey Called “Depression”

My husband, Chad, wrote a post last month about what it was like to be married to someone with depression. I thought he did an excellent job expressing his experience honestly. He has really become a great support for me and knows how to help me when I begin to sink back under that dark cloud.

I’d like to write specifically to those who have family members and friends who struggle with depression. Your loved one is probably thinking, “How can I explain to them how he/she can help me, when I don’t even really know what’s going on inside my own head?” (At least that’s what I used to think.) That is a very good question. And I don’t claim to have all the answers. BUT . . . I will try my best to explain what I did to help Chad help me.

First I’d like to begin with what Chad did to help me. The way your spouse, friends, or family helps you may look different from this. They know you best. These 3 items are how Chad helped me the best.

1) He gave me the space I needed.

When I would have a “freak out moment” as I call it, Chad would allow me to get away. Usually this was just having 15 minutes in our bedroom all to myself. He would take care of the kids, whether it was helping with homework, making them dinner, or putting them to bed, but he would do whatever he needed to allow me the space to calm down, read and pray. (He still does this for me.)

2) He was honest with me about how I was hurting him and the kids.

When I would take out my anger on him and the kids, Chad would let me know what I did or said was hurting them. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to make excuses for my behavior, instead of getting help for my behavior and attitude. I needed to know that my struggle with depression was not just affecting me. It affected my whole family. Chad being honest about that made me realize it was essential that I ask for help.

3) He loved me unconditionally.

The only other time in my life when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Chad loved me unconditionally was when I gave birth to our 3 children. I was huge, miserable, and in the most immodest position ever. He was by my side and completely supportive all 3 times. I remember thinking, “If Chad still loves me and finds me beautiful after seeing me deliver our kids, he is definitely a keeper.”  🙂 Over the last 10 years, I never once believed that Chad would leave me. We had our share of fights. We also went days without speaking to each other. I think there was one time he even slept on the couch. Regardless of how angry I was, how much I yelled and cried, how much I disliked myself, I knew Chad would always be with me. We’ve made a decision to never mention the “D” word, especially when we are arguing. It’s not even an option. We are married for life, til death do us part.

I hope this helps you understand a bit about our relationship and how we worked together to fight this battle. In my next post, I’ll talk more about what I needed to do for Chad as I was learning to overcome depression.

Related articles

• A Spouse’s Response to Depression by Guest Blogger Chad McDonald (livingwithrealjoy.wordpress.com)

It All Began with a Broken Hair-Dryer

My hair dryer broke a few weeks ago . . . on a Sunday morning . . . 15 minutes before I had to leave for church. Does anyone see where this is going? 😉 BUT . . . I did not freak out. I just said to myself, “Oh, it’s broken,” and threw it out.

Later on in church, I was thinking to myself, “Gee, about 5 years ago, I would’ve had a caniption fit over that, and ruined my day, Chad’s and the kids.” BUT . . . I did not this time.

This may not seem like such a victory to the average person. But for me, it was HUGE! When depression or anxiety hits you, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is taken out of context or exaggerated about 1000%. As I always say, just ask Chad. He can tell you the truth. There have been many times I have spilled something in our kitchen and he’ll look at me and say, “You are such an awful housekeeper. My goodness, you should be ashamed.” OK ladies, before you get upset, he says this to make me laugh and realize that “spilling milk” is really not a big deal.

In the whole scheme of life, it amazes me how we “major on the minors”. Seriously, I will be complaining about how dirty my kitchen floor is or how I have a mountain of laundry in the bathroom to wash, dry, and fold, when others around the world, who I have seen first-hand, have a dirt floor and no laundry because they only own the clothes they are wearing.

I have found one of the best ways to not focus on the minor troubles of life is to be grateful. To be thankful. As I was sitting in church, singing the worship songs that morning, I realized how grateful I need to be. And it’s not just something we should do, it’s a HAVE to do. Otherwise, you will end up in a pit of despair, with a black cloud looming over you, with no hope at all.

So, I’m going to list some things I am grateful for. Here goes:

1. My husband, Chad, that he makes me laugh when I don’t feel like it, that he helps put the kids to bed when he doesn’t feel like it, and that he even folds laundry when that’s his least favorite chore around the house.

2. My kids, all 3 of them, Bailey, Katelyn, and Connor, that they were born in the USA, they have so many freedoms that others will never have, they have 3 nutritious meals a day, they have clothes for all seasons, and they have toys – lots and lots of cars, trucks, little people, XBox games, Wii games, trains, dolls, crafts, coloring books, and the like to keep them endlessly entertained.

3. God’s unexpected blessings. We’ve experienced a lot of sickness in our family lately and God has provided for us through meals being brought to our house, people helping to take care of our children, and even in financial ways that were a total surprise.

4. God’s faithfulness. This time in our family’s life has really been a trial. Chad and I are tired. Not just physically, but spiritually. But God is, was, and always will be faithful. He has proven Himself to us so many times, and this specific time in our life is no exception.

5. The prayers of others. I never realized how important the prayers of others were until Chad’s father passed away. I did not talk to God for a week at that time. I was mad. But I knew other people were praying and I knew that God was still with us. God has other people pray for us when we cannot. Isn’t it amazing how awesome God is? Yet another reason to be part of a church family. We NEED each other.

These are just a few things I am grateful for. What about you? Can you make a list of 5 things you are grateful for? They can be anything. If I had to list a few more they would include things like ice cream, movies like Lord of the Rings or Pride and Prejudice, my Kindle and our weekly “pizza and a movie night” on Fridays with our family. It’s amazing how taking the time to actually BE thankful, can change your whole perspective, and help you to “major on the majors” instead of those irritating little “minors”.