Category Archives: peace

Living With Real . . . Forgiveness

I’ve mentioned in a few of my earlier posts that I would share about what was “the kicker” in my final victory over depression. I want to make a few disclaimers first.

1) Depression is like alcoholism to me. You’re never really “over it”. You always have it. But there can be  a point where it no longer has a stronghold on you, and you are now calling the shots.

2) I don’t believe God punishes us, gives us diseases, or makes us sick, because we harbor unforgiveness. BUT it’s clear in His Word that there are consequences for unforgiveness. (See Luke 6:37)

My journey towards forgiving my father began about 2 years ago. Most of you probably know about my family history but I’ll share it with you briefly.

My father and mother were divorced during my second year of college, during 1994. In the years leading up to that event, my father was verbally, and sometimes physically, abusive to my sister and I; lied about seeing a Christian counselor for help with his anger; was arrested and jailed for stealing money from his employer, and he was on the local school board at the time, so it was on the front page of the newspaper; cheated on my mother with the woman he later re-married one month before Chad and I were married; and finally left our family the month before I began my first year of college at Lake Superior State University. He took our only vehicle, the credit cards, his retirement check, and left us with nothing, but the house we rented.

Thinking about what happened and looking back at that time, I am simply amazed at how God provided for us. It was that year that I first met Chad. He became my best friend over the next few years and we were married right after we graduated from Lake State in 1997. Our church family, whom Chad is now the pastor, provided us with food and money, but more importantly, unconditional love and support.

The last time I saw my Dad, before he died, was at my wedding. I did not let him walk me down the aisle. My Grandpa Patrick (my Mom’s father) did. He was the one who Chad asked for my hand in marriage. My father and I wrote a few letters back and forth, all nice and casual and fake, and sent birthday and Christmas cards, but I seriously had no desire to see the man who was supposed to be, but never really was a father to me.

Fast forward about 13 years later . . . I began to see a Christian counselor and work through the mess of depression that was plaguing me like an illness that would NOT leave my body. I believed I had forgiven my father, but also knew I still was holding onto a lot of bitterness and anger towards him. I knew because every time someone talked about him or something made me think of him, I would feel the anger and the bitterness well up in me. If this happens to you when you think of someone, it’s a pretty good sign that you are still holding onto unforgiveness.

So, finally after seeing my counselor for about 2 years, I knew it was time to deal with this issue. I had mentioned to my counselor before that I knew we would need to talk about this but he never pushed it. He let me bring it up when I was ready.

It really became a big issue when Chad’s father passed away. As I stated before in a previous blog, I became very angry with God. He had taken away the only man who was a real father to me. Well, this brought all of those emotions about my own father up to the surface. I had done my best to keep them stuffed deep down inside, so I would not be forced to face it.

Once I finally was willing to talk about it, I realized I was angry with my father for not being a kind, loving, selfless father. He thought of himself first, was a very angry person, and took it out on the rest of us. My father also never said he was sorry . . . to me, my sister, or my Mom. I did not want to let go of that anger, because I had a right to be angry with him.

I have heard it said, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It’s true. I know some of you reading this are dealing with the same thing – someone hurt you, they were wrong, you did nothing to deserve it, and they deserve to pay for it. And all of those things may be true. But who are you really hurting in the end? Not that person. Half the time they don’t think they’re wrong and they feel completely justified in what they did.

My counselor helped me see that I needed to . . . let go. Let go? Are you kidding me?! If I let go of the anger towards him then that meant what he did was OK! That’s how I saw it, but that wasn’t true at all. If I let go, then He gets away with it! Really? No, but that’s what it felt like.

God opened my eyes and helped me see that this bitterness and anger I refused to let go of was only hurting myself and my family. Remember, I have a problem with anger. Well, no wonder, when you hang on to it for so long, it has to come out somehow. The only question is not will it come out, but when.

So God, working through my counselor, finally helped me see the truth. My father was wrong and what he did was not OK. He also did not get away with anything. And finally God helped me to (gulp!) let go.

That was one of the hardest things for me to do. I did not want to. I fought it. But once I did, I felt a huge weight lift right off of me. It was amazing! My fits of anger towards my kids and Chad were almost gone! I felt like a new person, and I was enjoying who I was.

Forgiveness is a touchy subject, believe me, I know. Everyone has different reasons why they don’t want to forgive, and I know there are some awful, terrible things that humans can do to each other. I almost didn’t write about this topic because I understand the type of emotions that are behind anger, bitterness, and resentment. But I have to tell you what God did when I forgave my father. I will never forget the feeling of peace and tranquility I had that evening on my ride home. I also knew that if God forgave me for what I had done to Him and to others, then I had no right to withhold forgiveness from those who had offended me . . . no matter what the crime.

As I’m writing this, I can feel my body become tense and even feel some anger and sadness towards my father. That is OK. Forgiveness does not mean you forget. There’s no way you can forget something like that. But I no longer hold it against my Dad. I am now very sad that he was not able to be a loving, caring father to me. He was a miserable person, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I would love to go back and change the past, so we could be a “normal” family.

I know this can’t happen. But God ALWAYS provides for us, for me. He gave me a father in Chad’s Dad that I will always be grateful for. And I have learned to accept God as my Father. I’m still learning to accept God as my Father.

If God is speaking to you right now, just ask Him to help you. I know that He can. It will be one of the most difficult things you have ever done, but will give you a freedom and peace that you have never experienced before.

Related articles